Here is a glimpse into the mind of an introverted High Schooler. I can't speak for everyone, but all of this floats through my mind on a regular basis.
I remember that evening clearly. Sitting on the edge of that rock. Well, I suppose it was more of a mountain. I saw the whole world stretched out before me. The lake where I ran around with kids from my youth group without a care in the world. The drive in where I sat in the back of my Dad’s truck counting the diamond-like stars above me. Seeing the streets I’d been down a thousand times stretching out toward the horizon. Hey, My house! My house...where I had experienced so many unimaginable things. From the best moments, watching movies all night long without a single thought toward my bedtime. To the worst...lying lifeless in my bed wondering if I would ever be enough. Staring at the ceiling, searching for...for something...I don’t really know. Searching for a lost, unknown hope.
I’ve spend hours scrolling through my phone. Seeing all the girls with thigh gaps, abs, curvy hips, big boobs, and long, wavy, blond hair. I’ve seen it all. The unrealistic couple goals where the boy gently holds his “princess.” Or when he brings her chocolate when she feels sad. Sitting here on this cold rock has brought all the thoughts forth. Feeling the coldness flow through me. Passing through every part of me.I was transparent. Everything started pouring out, in sobs and the fat tears that make you look like one of those ugly cartoon characters. A million thins started flashing through my head. How my skin is not good enough. How my hair is too dark or too short. How my body is too big, too short, too curvy, not curvy enough, not tan enough, not toned enough, too fat, too...me.
School. Where every move defines your reputation. Where the kids who have all A’s are never ever acknowledged, and the “bad kids” are given the awards. Where everyone pretends to “have each other’s back. Where clothes decide whether you are worthy enough of being popular. Where NotHinG MakEs seNsE!!!! Everyone pretends to socialize when they are all just mindless robots staring into their phones. Looking the all the latest posts, seeing who had the better life, the better boyfriend, the better clothes. Liking people's posts and pretending to care when they are really just looking for the perfect chance to stab you in the back. Searching for approval and likes. And how do I know his even though I have no social media? Because I”M THE ONLY ONE WHO IS NORMAL. And maybe that’s what makes me so different.
I’ve felt it a thousand times...
The feeling of butterflies in your stomach with the slightest feeling of nausea, but feeling mostly empty. Feeling nothing. Not really knowing if you are lonely or worthless or neglected or...nothing at all. Seeing everyone feeling perfectly fine in the hallways.
The thing that comes back to haunt me is everyone’s eating habits. The girls either eat a horse or a single leaf from a low-carb, fat free, calorie-free, everything-free salad. Then there are the guys who fill their trays a mile high and don’t even care. I don’t know where to fit in. I’ve tried eating, but no one else eats, so then I don’t eat. But guess what. I’m asked if I’m anorexic, which I’m now considering since it was the most caring remark anyone at this school has seemed to say to me.
Sitting on that rock I wanted someone’s arms to wrap around me and squeeze all the insecurities away. I wanted, well want, to feel loved. Like I have a purpose. I want to feel wanted. I want to be the reason someone wakes up with a smile on their face.
WANT WANT WANT
Because it is never enough. (never enough- great song by the way)
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